The List - 2/17/2008

WIVK (FM 107.7) in Knoxville advertises that section 107.7 offers the best seats at Thompson-Boling Arena for UT basketball games. I take offense to this claim as I believe my season tickets in 315A, high atop the rafters, are far superior. This was all but confirmed earlier this week when my tickets were “upgraded.” So without further ado,

The Top 10 Reasons why Section 315A offers the best seats in Thompson-Boling Arena

10. Making the hike up all of the stairs is great exercise. One supplements their workouts simply by being a season ticket holder. The money saved on a Stair Master or gym membership alone almost pays for season tickets.

9. 315A offers seats high enough to avoid participating in the annoying “Vol Spell Out,” held each game during the second half. No one in your section criticizes your lack of spirit in this event either as the t-shirts, awarded to the “winning section” will never reach 315A anyway. On the plus side, “Vols” is one of the words that all Vol fans can spell and I am a firm believer in education.

8. The seats are high enough to where you can see the entire game. You can see the motion of the offense and know when a player is open. In Tennessee’s half court game, movement may be limited, but at least you know that.

7. The seats are out of view of TV cameras. This way the spectator in 315A can act as ridiculous as one wants without being immortalized. This grants freedom that the lower levels simply cannot afford.

6. On a related note, you do not have to worry about being on the Kiss Cam. This is especially important as I tend to attend with guys and I am straight. It also seems to coerce affection, which defeats the purpose. (I will admit, my eyes are always glued to the Kiss Cam and cheer for the participants I know. I think it is fun - for other people.)

5. Unlike section 107.7, Vol Radio network color analyst Bert Bertkelkamp does not sit in 315A. Actually, as a fan he would be great - a fan in real time. As an announcer, he is a fan with a three-second delay.

4. In 315A, you can speak freely without fear of a player’s family overhearing. For instance, you can cringe when Prince attempts a 3-pointer or Chism blows a lay up without fear of insulting a loved one. No player would give their family seats that high up and if they did, it would mean that they did not like them in the first place.

3. A sizable donation to the university is unnecessary to obtain season tickets. I feel I gave the university enough money during my 5½ years there as a student at UT.

2. No one in 315A wears a sweater vest.

1. We sit in Section 315A. Enough said.

The List - 2/10/2008

For whatever reason, I seem to have spent too much time lately in Wal-Marts across the south. So, free of charge, I now offer my observations on ways to improve the Evil Empire.

Top 10 Ways to Improve Wal-Mart

10. Where there is a “2 for $_” sign, make the cumulative price less than the cost of buying two individually. (Yes, I realize Wal-Mart is correctly depending upon the mathematical ineptitude of their customers.)

9. Hire someone who can answer a question. Bonus points, if the employee can answer a question pertaining to their own department.

8. Make theft legal. Wait, they did that already...

7. Dedicate an entire section of the store to Hannah Montana merchandise, like the holiday aisles. Since she appears on every aisle as it is, why not just consolidate Hannah paraphernalia into its own group and perhaps limit Miley Cyrus’ overexposure.

6. Position the grabbie machine at the exit that does not close early. Late night grabbing is quite popular...

5. Rule that if an item does not scan, it is item free within three minutes of attempting to determine what the price should be. I have spent countless minutes waiting on price checks on 49¢ candy bars...

4. Limit the p.a. system to five uses per hour. If a child is lost after the allotted five has been used up, well, they will be picked up in an hour or less.

3. Stop placing the slowest cashier in the express lane. It defeats the purpose.

2. Do not allow customers with a shopping cart in the express lane. If you have to use a cart to carry off of your purchases, you should not be in the express lane in the first place.

1. Prior to placing an employee on the floor, have their voice rated by testing groups to determine just how grating it is. Then, prohibit employees with annoying voices from using the P.A. system. Yes, I realize no one might be left, but I consider that an added bonus.