In Eckleburg's Eyes - 3/20/2009, Part 2

News & Notes from Wednesday, March 18th, 2009, Part 2

-JTH, ALK, and I spent Wednesday in Pigeon Forge. It is Spring Break in Knoxville and this was JTH’s only day off of work. We were to embark at 4 PM but JTH was late as usual. He had gone into work. I do not think JTH grasps the concept of a day off.

-As usual, we set out with absolutely no plans. Having worked at a daycare for so many years, there is little in Pigeon Forge that JTH has not done. He was our guide. In driving through Pigeon Forge I noticed one major oversight: How has no one started a wrestling themed business? It seems like a no-brainer.

-We amused ourselves on the way there by reading the new MoFoS Employee Handbook. No, JBT did not take the time to write his own document. He printed one offline. It was very humorous as much of the booklet did not correlate to the store. It was typical MoFoS.

-We decided to play miniature golf before dinner so we stopped at The Track: Family Recreation Center (located at 2575 Parkway, Pigeon Forge, TN). It was the first miniature golf course we saw. We later had a little buyer’s remorse as we did not remember that Pigeon Forge has more mini golf per capita than any city in the known world. We probably would have gone to the Ripley’s Old McDonald's Farm Mini-Golf course had we known it existed. Who wouldn’t want to hit a golf ball into the mouth of a three-eyed pig?

-We played the “Gator Creek” course. ALK hustled us. She told us she was not very good. Liar! She led through thirteen holes before JTH became very determined to defeat her. There was a little drama at the last hole but JTH wound up winning by three strokes, 55-52. It is worth mentioning that had we counted more than five strokes on hole three, ALK would have won. Handily.

-My final score, you ask? 62. In my defense, I had an additional obstacle. In addition to the wind, which threw all of our games off a little, my shorts kept falling down. It is a combination of weight loss and basketball shorts. (I’m okay with it.) It is far more difficult to putt while trying to keep your pants up. Also in my defense, I did not need more than five strokes for any hole and played very conservatively to keep this streak alive. Still, I admit that the kids behind us played better.

-We then drove to the Apple Barn Cider Mill & General Store. Not surprisingly, there was a wait. We sat in a gazebo and discussed plans for later in the evening. We perused brochures at the restaurant. There is actually a place called Parrot Mountain. I was shocked to learn that there was no option to shoot the birds. It seems like that would sell better in Pigeon Forge.

-We were seated on the restaurant's porch in swings. This is the first time we have eaten while seated in swings. JTH and ALK found that synchronized eating is far more difficult than you would think. We also learned an amazing fact about ALK on this night: she does not like apple butter! How is that possible? ALK’s dislike of apple butter meant there was more for JTH and I. I thought I liked apple butter until JTH ate it out of the ramican by itself!

-ALK also passed on the vegetable soup. Her explanation was that “I don’t like a lot of vegetables.” Both she and JTH ordered vegetable platters...

-Side story: While in the bathroom, JTH met a man who was bragging that he and his son were second generation Santa Clauses. I challenged him to smack the man and make a vague reference to Christmas 1987. He declined though we both thought it would be funny.

-We then planned on seeing a show. We considered Magic Beyond Belief. The fact that JTH had already been several times coupled with the $30 price tag deterred us. I then made a sacrifice for JTH. I agreed to consider going to The Comedy Barn.

-Based solely on their billboards, I am fundamentally opposed to The Comedy Barn. I took this photo while JTH investigated their pricing. You will note that they were offering a "relaxing foot massage" for a quarter. That should tell you the type of high class establishment we were dealing with. the show costs $25. The hotels in the area were advertising rooms for less than that. I was relieved when we opted to shop instead.

-At JTH's request, we went to an airbrush stand. JTH wanted a tacky souvenir. This would have done it. Had the people been able to draw us on the shirts, we would have bought one. Since they could not, again, it was not worth the money. We did consider investing in personalized headbands for $10 apiece for our church league basketball team. Again, $80 was not worth it. That was the theme of the night.

-Our next stop was the Z Buda Outlet Mall. ALK had mentioned that she had always wanted to go in Big Dogs. It is a clothing company and one of the most redneck places I have ever entered. I suspect that if you like Larry the Cable Guy, you will like this store.

-We embarrassed ALK by doing pull ups from the back of the stairs. When you embarrass someone at Big Dogs, it is time to leave. I was disappointed that the women’s brand was known as Lady Big Dog’s. I had a shorter name in mind...

-We then stopped by Shirt World (located at 2850 Parkway Store 12B). (Note: Do not read the store’s sign to fast.) It was owned by an Indian man (not Native American). We found that he was selling die-cast cars. We could not help but notice the similarities between he, JBT and MoFoS.

-Having had enough of Pigeon Forge, we returned to my house where we watched Definitely, Maybe on DVD. ALK wanted to see the movie. JTH and I had watched the film with JDM last June 25th. We liked the movie better the second time. For my initial review, see the June 26th, 2008 edition of “In Eckleburg’s Eyes”.

-Finally, it is worth noting that Attorney Stephen A. Burroughs has billboards in Pigeon Forge. This guy is everywhere.