In Eckleburg's Eyes - 5/19/2008

I spent the weekend celebrating SMA's graduation from the Cumberland School of Law. The celebration became an event that encompasseed three states!

The plan had me driving to Atlanta on Friday, to Birmingham on Saturday and back to Knoxville after the graduation later that night. If you think that is a logistical nightmare, SMA and WRK went from Knoxville to Birmingham on Thursday to procure his cap and gown, stayed in Oxford, Alabama, and then to Atlanta before taking the same route I did. This was done as SMA wanted to celebrate in Atlanta.

On Friday morning, I woke up bright and early and hit the road to Atlanta. If I had a dollar for every time I have made this trip, I could afford a car. I might even be able to afford gas for the trip. You see, what I’m trying to say is that gas prices are outrageous.

Naturally, I stopped in Chattanooga to break the trip up and peruse their McKay’s. I made a great discovery there. I was wearing my prized Fantastic Four shirt (bought at a thrift store) when the clerk asked me my superpower. After admitting that if I had one I would have more money, I then said I can find things cheap. Thus, “Bargain Man” was born.

Things were running smoothly until I got exit to 285 (Red Top Mountain Road; Cartersville). Then they slowed down. In fact, we practically stopped. Bumper to bumper driving en route to Atlanta is like a Brady Bunch revival. You know it’s going to happen, you just don’t know when. On this trip, it was just fourteen miles from my exit! I was so close I could practically walk it. Practically...

As I was ahead of schedule, I had been contemplating what I would do with my extra ten minutes. No worries. I was one hour late. I amused myself by reading the signs that surrounded me. The traffic signs were especially amusing: "Speeding Fines Doubled" and "Speed Limit: 50 MPH" were not a great concern and I was uncertain as to whether “Reduced Speed Ahead” was even possible. If you can take a clear photo from a camera phone, you need not worry about dangerous speeds.

I also read the ads on the highway and the cars. On one of the 18-wheeelers in front of me was an ad for http://www.driveabigtruck.com/. Not just a truck, but a big truck. I refrained from calling a “How am I driving number?” (I have done that before.) File these under traffic jam tips for future reference if you travel to Atlanta.

In addition to this being typical of a Friday in the Atlanta area, a three-lane highway had been reduced to one lane for a three-mile stretch. That three miles took more than one hour to traverse.

My meeting with BKW in Kennesaw was greatly postponed. (Even on a smash and grab through Atlanta, I try to see BKW.) Fortunately, as a Kennesaw resident, he completely understood the situation. As always, it was great to see my seminary bud. After remembering what I hated about Atlanta (driving) I remembered the part I loved (friends). Th third of the Three Pulpiteers, MDC, was invited but unable to attend.

We finally met at The Varsity in Kennesaw. I had never eaten at the Atlanta staple before. Under BKW’s expert guidance, I tried the whole Varsity experience - hamburger, hot dog, fries, and a frosted orange. I typically only drink water except on Sundays, but I wanted the traditional Varsity drink. It is like a liquid orange sherbert.

Evidently, people do not flock to the place for the food, though I liked mine. It is a traditional local haunt which first opened in 1928. It is a throwback to another era and adult patrons are even known to don paper hats. The experience trumps the food.

BKW is a presently bi-vocational minister who works at Complete Printing. Both of his careers are going well. Over lunch BKW landed a prestigious account with the Atlanta Bread Company. They presently have 140 stores (primarily in the southeastern United States) with plans to expand. I was pleased to be present when the good news was delivered.

His ministry is also going well as Sunday (May 18th) marks the first time he will be leading the service at his church. He has been working extensively with children. He has challenged the children to deliver any question. Thus far, the jet propulsion of an F-415 is the only inquiry which has stumped him. He did well when an eleven-year old girl asked him why guys like girls’ butts so much. Better him than me.

He also recently consulted with his partner Keith’s daughter. Two of her friends died drowning on May 9. One cramped up in a lake and when his friend tried to save him, he was pulled under. For more details see "Prayer Blog - 5/15/2008". I learned, for future reference, that unless one is exceptionally strong or a great swimmer (I am neither), your best bet is to knock out the panicked swimmer and hope to revive her on land.

I delivered BKW’s Christmas gift. Yes, in May. (We have seen each other since then, I just always forget the gift.) He enjoyed is WC Vinson Minsitries t-shirt (which with so few left is certainly becoming a collector’s item) and the vintage (read old and used) Karate Kid action figures. It is his favorite film. It is not the last gift from Christmas leftover. LEJ, if you read this, you have one coming. We seminary grads struggle to connect.

As always, BKW shared pearls of wisdom on training regimens. He led me to http://www.shovelglove.com/ and a guy who developed "everyday systems." This man admittedly has no medical training but has developed routines that involved sledgehammers so he cannot be all bad. How long do you think I would make it before injuring myself or breaking something?

I made a brief stop at the adjacent Town Center at Cobb Simon mall and then traveled to Abdullah the Butcher’s House of Ribs and Chinese Food (yes that is its real name). It is in the Ben Hill region of South Atlanta (near where LEJ’s parents married) and on the other side of Atlanta from Kennesaw.

I was to meet MJB and CST, who made the trip to Atlanta to attend the first leg of SMA’s graduation celebration. Unfortunately, they were delayed in the same traffic I had been in. I called them from the restaurant and they were still 40 miles away. They had hit it later in the day, which meant the delay was longer was longer. Their trip took 5 ½ hours. I waited in the restaurant for a bit and soaked in the ambiance.

Abdullah the Butcher naturally owns the place. He was a wrestler known especially for his bloody matches. He has cut his forehead so often that he can entertain fellow wrestler by rolling quarters through the divots in his scalp. Insanity or dedication to his craft? You be the judge. When eating at Abdullah’s one can view highlights from his matches, which I am sure someone in the world might find appetizing.

With the time to kill, I visited nearby Elizabeth Baptist Church, where my aforementioned friend MDC works. He was not there but I picked up this snazzy brochure and left a message for him. I would hate to be in the region and not try to connect.

Matters became incredibly complicated at this point as my cell phone officially died. Not as in a power outage, but as in dead. We booked this trip like WCW - on the fly. This meant that we had no concrete plans (I did not even know the hotel we were staying at) and no way to contact anyone. While picking up a disposable camera at a Walgreens I prayed. At that moment, my phone inexplicably resuscitated. I learned that my friends had no time to make it to South Atlanta and I was to meet SMA at our hotel. Nearly immediately thereafter my phone was dead for good - or in Princess Bride terms - had gone from “mostly dead” to “all dead.” Can you say, “God?”

With my new marching orders, I then drove back to downtown to the Westin Peachtree Plaza and checked my car with the valet. How did travelers function prior to the advent of the GPS? Why, I am old enough to remember the ancient days when all I had was a Mapquest printout at my disposal...

Standing 73 stories, Westin Peachtree Plaza is one of the tallest building in the Atlanta skyline. We are fairly certain we could see to Florida from our rooms. Though I had never stayed in the hotel, I had eaten at the Sun Dial restaurant, located on the top floor, in January 2003. Actually, LEJ was there. That is three LEJ references in one post! I never realized how many Atlanta associations I had with her.

I started in room 3417 but switched with SMA’s parents to room 4315. SMA’s mother BCA is troubled by acrophobia. I was happy to oblige as they were kind enough to pay for the rooms. I did find it amusing as I am not sure of the difference between 34 and 43 flights up. I am pretty sure if either of us plunged off the side, we would be "all dead" either way.

After checking the Xterra with the valet, I had an incredibly awkward check in. As I was staying only one night, I carried my change of clothes and brought no luggage. This coupled with my shorts and t-shirt made me incredibly conspicuous in the posh hotel. Many employees laughingly inundated me with offers of help carrying “my luggage” in accents reminiscent of Coming to America.

SMA met me and escorted me across the street to Pitty Pat’s Porch. Yes, it was my third consecutive restaurant. We met WRK, and SMA’s parents DA (literally no middle name; appropriately the lawyer’s father is "DA") and BCA. They had not eaten since breakfast, so we were there at 5 pm when it opened.

The restaurant is an Atlanta fixture, having been open since October 1967. It has a tasteful Gone With the Wind theme. The name comes from Scarlett O’Hara's aunt. When in Atlanta, Scarlett lodged with Aunt Pittypat, who prepared only her best recipes and provided great hospitality. Keeping with the antiquated southern theme, the menus are presented as fans. Drinks are served in stone water goblets that feel so cold they “could freeze the hand off an Eskimo.” (Note: Ric Flair quote.) All meals are served with bread, greens, and black eyes peas.

The restaurant serves typically Southern dishes in a plantation house atmosphere. I was the odd man out as I ordered “Rhett’s Mixed Grill” - “A combination of grilled filets of beef, pork, and chicken served on a bed of Southern rice pilaf and tasty zinfandel sauce.” Otherwise, both girls ate Aunt Pittypat’s Fried Chicken and both guys “the Plantation Combo” - ribs and chicken. SMA also sampled his first ever Mint Julep.

WRK ate a little over one piece of chicken. SMA, DA, and I teamed up all weekend to ridicule her eating habits. I chided her that KJW eats more than she and that she is the inverse of competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi. DA had the best remark in this regard. As I was lamenting that no celebrities ate with us on the trip as is custom when I eat with SMA and WRK, he corrected me that I was actually eating with SMA and WRK was “there.” Well played.

DA may have actually gotten the menu changed as well. His peach cobbler was (incorrectly) prepared cold. Our near deaf (literally, possessing a massive hearing aid) waiter said, “I’ll tell the manager and have that taken off the menu.” Though we are relatively certain he meant “bill,”we prefer to think of it as DA having the dessert eliminated from the restaurant.

The waiter then began blaming the Mexican cook at a volume only a deaf man can. Naturally one of the guests behind him, was Hispanic. At least it was not his table.

Overall, it was a good experience. We were all given complimentary mason jars (which the waiter referred to as an “ankle breaker”) emblazoned with the restaurant's logo as souvenirs.

Some news from dinner discussion:

• On the national front, Ellen Degeneres announced she would be married to her lover Portia de Rossi as gay marriage has been legalized in California.
  
• New Kids on the Block reunited on the Today Show earlier in the morning.
  
• In Knoxville related news, DBN’s brother qualified for Jeopardy.
  
• MWD broke break up her boyfriend Ben. The reason? She did not like his mom. This is not as outlandish a reason as "he texted like a friend", but it is close. SMA bluntly asked her “Is this permanent or are you just being stupid?” She leaned towards the latter. We are hoping anyway as we like the guy.

Over dinner, we heard from our friends MJB and CST. Instead of eating with us, they decided to tailgate at the stadium. So they cracked open two six packs, pulled out lawn chairs in front of CST's pickup and camped beneath the "1" sign in the blue parking section of the baseball stadium where we would be meeting them later. The only thing that would have improved this image wold have been were they wearing Tennessee attire. Represent, boys!

We then made our way to Turner Field where we saw the Oakland Athletics play the Atlanta Braves. Though Interleague games have been played since 1997, it was SMA's and my first interleague game.

At will call, we finally hooked up with MJB and CST. They are well. CST, however, was facing the potential loss of his job at Jewelry Television when he returned home on Monday. Earlier in the day, the Knoxville-based shopping organization had laid off 150 employees. CST was well aware that two from his department would also be relieved on Monday as downsizing continued. He found not knowing worse than either answer. He tried not to dwell on it. The company will pay one week severance for every year employed, so if he does lose his job, with 8½ years experience plus countless vacation hours accumulated, he will have ample time to seek employment. I hope he keeps it as he enjoys his job and is good at it. Please keep him in your prayers.

CST was still in good spirits (probably literally). In addition to his beer, his Coke Zero was mixed with Jim Beam. As you can see, MJB used the whiskey as ankle support. CST was pleased Coke Zero was on tap as it evidently is superior for mixing in drinks. Things I would never know without my friends...

Before the game began, SMA, WRK, and I visited the Braves Clubhouse Store where SMA bought a shirt. I was disappointed that they no longer carried Dale Murphy merchandise. Though he has not played there since 1990, when I was in school, they still stocked his jerseys. At least his retired #3 still hangs in the rafters.

We had good seats, situated down the third base line. The wather cooperated as well.

The game was close, with the Braves winning 3-2. The starting pitching match up pitted Dana Eveland (3-3, 3.23 ERA) against the Braves’ 22-year old right-handerJair Jurrjens (4-3, 3.10 ERA). Jurrjens got into trouble early but was aided by two Athletics getting thrown out at home plate in the same inning! Neither of the runs he gave up were earned because of his own error. This just does not seem right.

If CST loses his job he ought to work as a baseball scout. He called almost every at bat correctly. It was uncanny. My favorite part of the game was when the Atlanta fans started “the wave” while their own team was at bat. CST was livid at their stupidity as this would serve only to distract their own batter. On cue, as he was ranting, the rest of our group decided to participate in the wave...

My favorite CST joke of the night:

Question: What does Georgia football and a possum have in common?
Answer: They both lie down at home and get killed on the road.

The announced attendance was 31,004, though there were plenty of empty seats. You can tell the team is trying to spruce up the game for the fans. When did the Braves get cheerleaders? (I thought about WAM who cited their absence as one of baseball’s inferior attributes.) The cheerleaders are moderately attractive women who wear short shorts, jerseys and neither cheer nor dance. This may be the easiest job in America.

In addition, there were also many side games which all seemed to be rigged in favor of the contestant. We seriously questioned the integrity of these games. I was pleased the big screen acknowledged (M.C.) Hammer’s connection to the Athletics as a former Oakland bat boy. Though former A’s third baseman Carney Lansford was not mentioned officially, we acknowledged him in our conversation.

My only complaint was that future Hall of Fame inductee Frank Thomas did not play. Though he has been relegated to designated hitting duties, I hoped that he would at least pinch hit in the National League park. No such luck. We did get to see two Hall of Famers play - Chipper Jones and Tom Glavine who was called upon to bunt (and failed) in the seventh inning. I had seen them before but had never seen the Big Hurt. I did see him standing in the dugout.

I was hoping for a no-hitter, but both teams squelched that by the second inning. The Braves won the game in the bottom of the eighth inning when Mark Kotsay, a former Athletic, hit an RBI double to secure the game winning run. The game lasted 3:02.

It was WRK’s first game. She was the only rookie in our party. Her favorite part of the game? The music! She did admit that baseball is infinitely superior live than on television.

MJB got his funnel cake (finally, after the longest absence ever) and DA his bratwurst - both cravings and ballpark staples. We got to do the tomahawk chop. The home team won. All in all a good night.

This game was far more enjoyable than SMA’s and my recent baseball and Atlanta sporting past. The Dodgers-Marlins game we attended in Los Angeles last July 7, had a parent explaining every nuance of the game to his young children. The kids did not ask. He just wanted to show his knowledge. Our previous baseball trip was in 2006 saw us drive to Baltimore only to find that we had the game time wrong and that the game was already over. (Seriously, it was still a great visit.) It was also better than our last trip to Atlanta for a sporting event, as well, we were not in the eye of a tornado.

MJB and CST were elated when the game did not merit extra innings. After the game, they hit the road back to Knoxville as CST’s dog needed out in the morning. The dog is named Kenta, after Kenta Kobashi. SMA has plans on naming his dog Mitsuharu so that the dogs can feud. (Read: All-Japan Pro Wrestling reference. If you do not get it, do not feel bad. Feel bad for me because I did.) They also needed to be in Knoxville on Saturday night as they were hosting a bachelor Party for their friend JB.

I then returned to the hotel where I was glad to get some sleep.

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I had no problem waking up in the morning as my bed was at eye level with the sun. I also now do not have to see Rock City as the hotel produces the same effect. I showered. This is important as showers are to hotels as brakes are to cars - they are the most different aspect of a familiar experience. I always feel like Mick “Crocodile” Dundee as I struggle to figure out the mechanics of each hotel shower. It was shortly thereafter that I discovered that I forgot my brush. So I styled my hair by hand. Note to self: Remember the brush next time.

Throughout the room, and even in the shower, were Weston Brain Body Fitness cards. This is an example. SMA and I were the only ones in our group to give the correct answer (four). Why they do this I do not know, but Iwill admit that we were all amused.

Our group all met in the lobby at 9 am. Before leaving, I went to the in-house Avenue’s Gift Shop where I bought KJW a Braves ball, the appropriate size and weight for bonking her. Unfortunately, they had no Atlanta rubber duckies.

We then hit the road to Birmingham for SMA’s 3 pm CST graduation. After brief delays due to weekend repaving, we stopped for breakfast at a Cracker Barrel in Austell, Georgia. I left my order with SMA and got gas. He thankfully got me the Sunrise Sampler and not the grits he had threatened. Where else can you get both a jawbreaker on a stick and a one pound Sugar Daddy? BCA sumamrized it well, “They have a whole lot of junk.”

We then drove to Birmingham. I followed SMA and BCA. I am glad WRK bought SMA a graduation monkey which rested in his window as I could differentiate it from other silver cars. It was especially important that I follow him as once again we had no plans when leaving and I had no cell phone in the event we split up. I thought about the problems of the Corinthian church and the following various leaders en route. (I have a one track mind.) With the exception intermittent left lane closings, the ride was smooth.

We were met in Birmingham by SMA’s uncle JRS and his two sons JS, 10, and SS, 8. We ate together at McAlister’s Deli in Homewood, Alabama. Our conversation centered around Star Wars. SMA even did his Watto impersonation, or part of it anyway. I learned of a meeting of a Jedi Church in Holyfield, Wales, last March interrupted by a drunken man who was so offended by the concept that he pillaged two people filming a light sabre battle while screaming "Darth Vader!" Seriously. The BBC has a video and news article here.

After lunch, we went to SMA’s graduation on the Samford University campus. We arrived exceedingly early. Seating was supposed to begin one hour before the event with limited capacity. As JRS astutely summarized - this was “over-hyped.” So, I kept SMA company with the soon-to-be graduates. I even convinced one official that I was graduating. I felt like “the Pretender.” My grandfather would have been so proud.

SMA made sure to cut his phone off we are certain DBN would have picked the time he was walking across the stage to call. Mongo, we thought about you! SMA and his colleagues actually entered to bag pipes.

The Honorable Lee H. Rosenthal, a United States District Judge, was the guest speaker. She had previously served on a committee with the school’s dean John L. Carroll. She facially resembled Bea Arthur and used legal jargon throughout her speech. Sadly, the din of children reverberated throughout. Her thesis was that only 1.3% of cases go to trial and charged the students to improve the law itself. She noted how difficult this has made it for trial lawyers, as most are now litigators. Settlements also reduce the communal involvement. The speech was sort of depressing and definitely not entertaining.

I found a similarity between law and theology students as she said when entering school their honest answer to legal questions was “I don’t know” and that it has since evolved into “It depends.” She also referenced http://www.whosarat.com/ so it was not all bad.

SMA dressed in a balck gown with purple hoods, indicating the law. SMA’s nephew JS actually gave me a new perspective on this as he referred to the gown alternately as a “cloak” and “costume.” I especially like cloak as a gown is so effeminate.

SMA was worried as his name came first alphabetically. While I looked at this as his graduating first in his class, he viewed it as a burden. He was greatly relieved when the class officers preceded him. I must note that he did graduate in the upper 60th% of his class of 146, which is more impressive considering he was not sold on law during much of his academic career.

SMA had wished me to wear a Sting shirt or "Whoo!" when he was announced but a speech advising to hold applause to the end, made this impossible. Plus, I did not want his perfectly behaved nephews to exhibit better manners than me.

I did get to meet SMA’s friend NMG. His other good friend, Haley, was not there as she graduates later due to spending a semester with a Grecian.

I may have found a new calling, or at least career goal - to one day be a macebearer. The job entails leading the procession and carrying a weapon. (I am not sure how pepper spray is involved.) I complimented William G. Ross on his fine work, saying, “Nice job macebearing...” SMA found this humorous as the man is a Harvard graduate.

By the way, the mace actually got its own seat on the stage!

On the way out of town, SMA, WRK, and I stopped at Hamburger Heaven and then hit the road home. This was the most sentimental SMA got as he admitted that he would miss the French fries. We were all proud of SMA though he was not overly impressed with the accomplishment.

I can summarize the trip in two words: driving and eating. Though I still want to eat, I never want to drive again even though it was a good trip. DA graciously paid for my hotel, game ticket, and two meals. I really appreciate it. I also feel it is the universe’s way of repaying me for never asking anyone to go to a graduation. (Hopefully, that will change.)

I arrived home around 10 and found my parents too had returned from Boston. We caught up and I went to bed.

The trip did force me to miss two functions in Knoxville. CMU housed a dinner party on Friday night and SQP celebrated his graduation from West High School on Saturday. Let it be known that I thought about both functions and missed you guys.

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On Sunday morning, we held Sunday School at RAW’s house. We did the initial walkthrough of my text for my May 25th sermon on Matthew 6:24-34. It is said that one cannot preach a good sermon if there is no issue. That should not be a problem as my crew took serious issue with this passage. Be praying for this sermon on many levels as this is not my specialty.

KJW was there. I gave her a pair of Iron Man glasses from Burger King since she did not get to go to the movie with us the previous week. I also gave WAM a pair and we all tried them on. To see WAM in his, check the WAM Quote of the Day.

On Sunday night I returned to RAW’s where I watched KJW while he mowed the yard. She is the easiest child in the world - when SpongeBob SquarePants is on. KLTW was at work as the local Best Buy had a “heroes” promotion where they opened the stores after hours from 8-10 pm and sold one item at the employee discounted rate to police officers, nurses, etc. They plan on having a similar promotion for teachers soon. If I know in advance, I will post details.

RAW cooked pasta. It was delicious. KJW has to eat pasta topless as she gets it everywhere. I really hope she grows out of this.

RAW applied for a new position as a television calibrator. For details, see “Prayer Blog - 5/18/2008".

I returned home and found that my old phone was indeed declared dead by the powers that be at Verizon, but that it had been replaced by a new one. If you tried to call this weekend, I apologize. I honestly did not have a working phone.

I saved what you have been waiting for, for last - the continuation of Friday’s cliffhanger ending. Were the bathrooms wallpapered? No. Not only that, but there are now no toilets upstairs as the wallpaper person took them out. Why? We have no idea. My parents assumed the job would easily be completed by the time they returned. Once again, assumptions are proved false!