I had a great Thursday night at MoFoS performing scientific research with JTH and TK (his initials not former manager whose name was T.K.). You may think of all of the activities participated in on this night as a psychological regression. We prefer to think of them as therapy.
Before proceeding I feel it appropriate to say: Children, do not try this at home.
We conducted many tests involving VHS tapes. When I arrived, the duo was performing some studies as to the effects of super glue on said VHS merchandise. TK glued several together to form a homogenous large VHS item while JTH glued various VHS tapes around the store in inconspicuous spaces (see photo, the tape is on the inside of a seldom used cabinet door). They are pretty much there forever. If you are worried about losing money on the product, the store pays only 10¢ per unit on VHS tapes. Sorry if you have a collection. VHS tapes are essentially worthless.
Since these two were hard at work, I ended up manning the register. No, I don’t work at the store. One of my favorite moments of the night came when TK's girlfriend called and he insisted the job was keeping him too busy to talk! Well, he was busy...
I learned that the business now accepts Tradebank. I had to go online, type in the customer’s card number, and still run the sale through our own system to complete the transaction. This is ridiculous. Why would anyone want this?
We hit a lull around 9 pm. There was a large window where we had no customers which gave the duo time to develop more experiments, Inspired by AD’s creation of the “Bone Yard” at the Halls branch, we took the VHS tapes out the store's back door. There we proved conclusively that if a baseball bat encounters the VHS tape, the VHS tape will lose. We may invent a new version of rock, paper, scissors. In our version, baseball bat soundly trumps VHS tape. Any suggestions on the third leg of the new game?
For the record, if someone ever finds a VHS copy of “Bear in Big Blue House” on the roof, a beautiful shot from JTH is the answer as to why.
JTH and TK then inserted a CD and a VHS tape in the microwave to test the effects of heat on these items. The VHS tape did not spark while the CD did. It also had a malodorous effect. If nothing else, I learned that the store owns a microwave.
I suggested that the store print disclaimers into all VHS boxes just so potential buyers can benefit from this research. At the very least, a large sign on the wall with the findings listed might be helpful. Actually, it might give customers ideas of how to use VHS tapes and better sell the outdated medium better.
After these tests were concluded, JTH conducted a seminar on fire safety. Yes, this probably should have been done earlier. Evidently, it was not the first time fire extinguishers had been shot for no apparent reason at the store. AD and JTH once hosed down a room with one of the stores many extinguishers. This produced a filmy residue on some boxes. JBT inspected and concluded, “I think it’s rock dust.” While they ridicule this analysis (what is rock dust?), I think it would have been more ridiculous had he inspected and said, “Well, looks like somebody cleaned the room with a fire extinguisher again.”
To me the most troubling thing that happened on this night was that Mark the Movie Ticket Taker (aka "De Le Rosa") did not visit. After some discussion, JTH remembered that it was his bowling night. I was scared that he knew that.
After “work”, JTH, TK and I went to Applebees where we were joined by JDM. Yes, again. Amy was our waitress. It seemed appropriate to see JDM on this night since he is the father of MoFoS mayhem. From the invention of the much beloved “Receipt Tape Derby” to driving his motorcycle in the store, JDM is the standard by which all MoFoS pranksters are measured.
JDM mentioned that one of coworkers at Kroger quit as he made the local Knoxville Thunderbolts basketball team. The team is a first year franchise in the American Basketball Association. JDM’s shooting guard friend hit 25 of 33 three-point shots in his tryout. No word on why JDM did not ask him to play with us in the church league. Hopefully, we could score more than 28 points with a pro on the squad.
It seems appropriate one more time to add that children should not try any of the experiments detailed in this post at home.
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