The List - 2/10/2008

For whatever reason, I seem to have spent too much time lately in Wal-Marts across the south. So, free of charge, I now offer my observations on ways to improve the Evil Empire.

Top 10 Ways to Improve Wal-Mart

10. Where there is a “2 for $_” sign, make the cumulative price less than the cost of buying two individually. (Yes, I realize Wal-Mart is correctly depending upon the mathematical ineptitude of their customers.)

9. Hire someone who can answer a question. Bonus points, if the employee can answer a question pertaining to their own department.

8. Make theft legal. Wait, they did that already...

7. Dedicate an entire section of the store to Hannah Montana merchandise, like the holiday aisles. Since she appears on every aisle as it is, why not just consolidate Hannah paraphernalia into its own group and perhaps limit Miley Cyrus’ overexposure.

6. Position the grabbie machine at the exit that does not close early. Late night grabbing is quite popular...

5. Rule that if an item does not scan, it is item free within three minutes of attempting to determine what the price should be. I have spent countless minutes waiting on price checks on 49¢ candy bars...

4. Limit the p.a. system to five uses per hour. If a child is lost after the allotted five has been used up, well, they will be picked up in an hour or less.

3. Stop placing the slowest cashier in the express lane. It defeats the purpose.

2. Do not allow customers with a shopping cart in the express lane. If you have to use a cart to carry off of your purchases, you should not be in the express lane in the first place.

1. Prior to placing an employee on the floor, have their voice rated by testing groups to determine just how grating it is. Then, prohibit employees with annoying voices from using the P.A. system. Yes, I realize no one might be left, but I consider that an added bonus.